I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
There was two windmills in a field
One asked the other “What type of music do you like?” The other replied “Well I’m a big metal fan”
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
I’m amazed by dry-erase boards…
They’re remarkable.
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
I’d make a Sodium joke but……Na
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This playstore thing. Never gonna keep up with them. That’s why people look apple.
https://ift.tt/2NJO8lF
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
I have sex almost everyday!!!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
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Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
A man goes to visit his friend…
and discovers that his friend has turned into an arrangement of shapes closely fitted together, forming a repeated pattern without any gaps or over-lapping. “What happened?” he asks, mortified. “I came here to see if you were self-isolating and…” “Oh shucks!” said the friend, “I thought you told me to self-tesselate!”
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law
To be honest, this is the sub in a nutshell
https://imgur.com/a/7cAWQeD
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, “No, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "Yep," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" “At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ……. "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier said : “hardback?” I said: “yeah and little heads”
What’s the first book in the video game bible?
Sega Genesis.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
What is the benefit of living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.
So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
