I had a dream that I was a muffler

A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving

I’ve won, but at what cost?

I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else

They were watch dogs.

Preferred pronouns are Her/she

It’s really hard to pull off.

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

…is just the letter n doing a forward roll.

The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.

would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.

Yeah. It really came out of the purple.

A unicorn

It’s capital has been Dublin every year.

Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.

I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"

“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”

I have no words to describe how angry I am

But I didn't see the point.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

So I pushed her under a bus

He said, "One sugar?" I said, "Yes, just the one cup. And don't call me sugar."

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes. “Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!” The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?” “I’m marrying a Russet!” “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.” “And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!” “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?” “I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.” “Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation. “Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!” “Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?” “I’m marrying Dan Rather!” “DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.

Prism

He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.

…it's about time.

The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".

You press the button and six floors come down.

” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”