I had a flashback when he said that.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
My son wanted me to cosign on a loan for college…
I said, "what's your angle?"
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
Why does 10 have PTSD
Because he was in the middle of 9 11
What’s similar between a hurricane and a women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
Shooting tips
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high — tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will." The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it — that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
What did James’s mom say to him when couldn’t make friends in school?
Bond. James bond.
I asked my Dad: “Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”