I had a habit of excess masturbation but I’m glad I was able to beat it.
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
What’s the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers. EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE
If I had a DeLorean…
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
Think I might sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on ebay.
Imagine all the Paypal…
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
