I had a hen who could count her own eggs
She was a mathamachicken
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
A Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar …
and it doesn't.
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
Eating a clock is very time consuming
No text found
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
Just found out why my toast kept getting burnt
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
Vegetarians are like parallel lines…
They never meat.
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS…
They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out… The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
a fallen soldier
a fallen soldier
Why did the sun never go to college?
It already has thousands of degrees.
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
I’m going to open a restaurant that serves a fusion of Hawaiian and Jamaican cuisines
I'm going to call it Poke, Mon
Did you hear of the dog with denchers?
It was all bark and no bite.
My dog ate my computer science homework
It took him a couple of bytes
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONN
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONNHello everyone! I’m Phuong Tran, a medical student and come from VietNam.And I have some elsevier accounts, and I want to share it with everyone. And you can access Scopus, Sciencedirect, Clinicalkey.The account is register by your email and used with two mobile apps and one website. Registration fee is very cheap, 2$ per month and 20$ per year.If you want to register an uptodate account, send to me a message Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100012033042613 or telegram https://ift.tt/3cIXwzD will subscribe account first, then you will transfer after received your account py Pay Pal.
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.