I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
Prove us wrong, Sen. Kelly Loeffler, wife of the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange
https://ift.tt/3fCrkjN
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore…
I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
The doggy swinging is funny, however the old scene kinda makes me sad at the same time?
https://ift.tt/2WP2S5P
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Do you know what the best way to build suspense is?
No text found
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
Why has a car made of wood never been successful ?
Because it wooden go.
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-2-400x433.png)
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
What did Han Solo say to Greedo before they played a game of Horse?
I'll shoot first.
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music
I think it’s the Chopin board.
I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.” “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.”
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked “Surgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?” The surgeon said “No, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked “Shaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?” The shaman said “I can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Ew, no.” The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Didn’t you just hear me? I said no.” The man’s penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, he’d have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman, enraged, said “Are you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!”
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. “Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.” The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.” The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.” The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. “Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!” The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”