I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
Just been fired as an interrogator
I suppose I should have asked why
Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bustling bar and gets up to leave. . .
A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm gonna sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!" True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [now silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "Mister? What was it you done in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk."
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
Dad: *Rubs couch* “Is this satin?”
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
A kid asks his mom, “How was I born?”
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
Congratulations are in order
aacgilnnoorsttu
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said “is that dinner?” He said “No, I’m a sinner” And took it up stairs to fuck it.
How warm is a baby at birth?
Womb temperature.