I had a stroke holy shit
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Women’s Friends Vs. Men’s Friends
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die…
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘ As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘ Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘ Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘ Edit 1: Fixed a typo Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
https://ift.tt/36Z0Eog
An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,
but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing. To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot tree. Finally, he takes his axe up to an 80 foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down. The boss is amazed, and asks the man how he learned to do that. The man says "I practiced in the Sahara forest." "Don't you mean the Sahara desert?" The boss asks. "Well yes," says the old man, "that's what they call it now."
Distinctly possible it is
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
NASA was preparing for the Apollo project
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
I just created a new word,
Plagiarism.
A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.
And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds…. "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"