I had the strangest dream that there was a dessert made with sugar, cornstarch and cocoa! Now, in case any of you want to make it a reality…
…I’m just pudding it out there…
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
Percy Jackson, son of the sea God. Did not do well in school.
His grades were below C level.
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman but he was too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship.
One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought… “She’s probably dreaming about me, and you know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. “What the hell was that?”, Wonder Woman asked. “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”, Invisible Man answered.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
A nun is in the bath
Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says "can i come in". "who are you?" she asks nervously. "Im the blind man" he replies. "Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved. The man walks in. "Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
"Don't look I'm changing!"
A farmer gets interviewed
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
How I used to survive off 4 hours a sleep a night is crazy
How I used to survive off 4 hours a sleep a night is crazy
What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?
A slice of blue cake!!!
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.