I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
I used to think i was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
No text found
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more. Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?" The Russian: "The Indian, of course".
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
If two vegans get in a fight,
is it still considered a beef?
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the world’s 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it was served warm it would be Justwater
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!