I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
then you're a simpson.
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
Damn girl, are you a piñata?
Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
A frog goes into a bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Edit: Woohoo!!! My most upvoted post ever! Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge. Good luck out there.
There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th? French guy: Cinq.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
You might think it be R, but his first love be the C.
My wife made me a millionaire
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
“This is your captain speaking”
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A Mississippi.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
The psychic convention is cancelled
Due to unforeseen circumstances
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne