I hate bugs!!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.
"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. "Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end. "You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like." He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. "Hi, can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you you have the wrong number" "That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like" He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks. "Is Dave available?" "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!" "And that's rage." "Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows. "And what might that be?" asks the professor. "It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number. "Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"
Every day before class, I read my student a joke from r/jokes, but today I couldn’t make it.
So instead, a sub Reddit.
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
![[OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/mix984y2num41.gif)
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
How do you keep burglars from stealing your bagels?
Install new lox.
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
“I’d like to have a toast” said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding
"Add some jam on it," he continued (Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. You’ll be fine
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