I hate cleaning hardwood floors. Here’s hoping my next house has laminate flooring.
(Knock-off wood!)
“No Jews Allowed”
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: 'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.' Sending a written message, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .' Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.' 'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
My surname is Turner and my daughter…
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
![why santa might be a republican [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/2xji7kgfnl641-400x369.jpg)
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
Date night with my wife and as she’s reading the menu she asks, “Is anything popping out at you?”
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022!
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
Why are kleptomaniacs the best baseball players?
They steal all of the bases.
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
