I hate double standards! If a girl has sex with a bunch of dudes, she’s just “curious”, nothing wrong with that. But when a guy does it, he’s seen as “gay” 😤😤😤 smh.
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
Did you hear about the butcher that sat on his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident…
an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,"What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar…
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?
A salt rifle
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!” The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
I asked the Deacon’s wife, “would you have sex with me for one million dollars? “
Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars. How about $20? $20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am? We’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick…
They’re like “ooh I want to see it” But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”
“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right?”
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb
When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
https://ift.tt/2QbPKEP
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason