I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
But she had too many issues.
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
They have deep sedimental value to me.
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car…
…when i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again
We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I must not have Reddit right.
The guys that think they're on a double date
Yes it is.
To tell people he was a vegan.
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
But when I got home, all the signs were there
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
He’s all right now.
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Or we'd all be sorry
When it becomes apparent
But he won't tell me.
They never get them.
Do they die hard?
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
"Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.” “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.”
I won’t rest until I find it.
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
He lost track of thyme…
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.