I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.
it's the thot that counts.
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains
It was a Toto failure.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
What is a gay banker’s favorite Christmas movie?
Homo Loan 2
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
What is a pirates favourite musical note?
The high C.
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!