I hate it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re.
There so stupid
There would be mass confusion.
Because he was very good at orienting objects. (Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
Now he's just Dave.
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
You open windows.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
He is my Czech mate.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
But when I do, he laughs.
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
A foot truck!
Because they have no body to go with.
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
It was a bassless accusation.
But math puns make me feel number
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
I poisoned his milk but he found out and killed my dad.
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…