I hate it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re.
There so stupid
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
Why did the C++ programmer do so well at his new job as a packaging and design engineer?
Because he was very good at orienting objects. (Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing….
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
I put batteries in a mouse
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
I tried to catch Santa last night.
I poisoned his milk but he found out and killed my dad.
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
