I hate it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re.
There so stupid
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
I’ve definitely seen some change in him.
A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion
A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"
Divorcing parents
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way.'
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter: "Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says: "Dear Sir: We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads: "Dear Sir: You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes"
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
My wife is yelling at me for having a boner at her mothers funeral
My response, “I can’t help it, it’s mourning wood”
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can’t
The Sax is too good
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.” Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. “Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
NSFW
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.
Title
https://ift.tt/2Or1Fxj
A porn actor calls in sick
"I can't come today"
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts