I hate my spouse
You know, I really do love bad puns.
It’s just how eye roll.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Or Thomas2, or newThomas, or otherThomas…
Found in my English textbook
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
ight imma panic
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.” “Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.” “It is,” I said. “No, it isn’t,” she said. “You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.”
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?
Old hobbits die hard.
I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
My dad died yesterday.
Now he makes deadjokes.
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Chemistry really do be like that
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I’ll admit, I was wrong about how good my Chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
The birth of ag-gag laws
Found this on Linkedin
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
Bug life cycle
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
It’s official …
Lest we forget about this gem 💎
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
Github >>> Instagram
Mobius it is
“Yeah this assignment shouldn’t be too bad”
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
Why do I always need to manually configure my PATH plugins…
In a van down by the river?
Spotted this programming error in GTA (note the method sandwich())
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
Gimbal lock casuals
Oh, the irony…
I was attacked by 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were against me
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
Free parking, anyone?
10/10 nurses agree
Saw it on an unrelated subreddit, but it fits so well here…
The Secret Life of Tech
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
How did I miss THIS award ceremony?! [OC]
That would be the most satisfying ending of all time
Why tho :/
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
Every reality ever
The Cognitive Dissonance is Strong in Them
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
My buddy sent this to me the other day…
Wife bad car good
Might be the first meme my dad has ever sent me, a tried and true boomerhumor staple
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
You’re on your own
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
An antivaxer has a heart attack. He’s rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.
Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?” The antivaxer thinks and says, “I know there must be reasons, beyond our understanding, why evil is allowed to exist. But why on Earth do you allow the evil, corrupt system of vaccines to exist?!” God shakes His head, patiently. “My child,” He says, “It is not evil to be mistaken. Which is to your benefit, because in this case, the mistake is yours. Just as so many people have tried to tell you over the years, vaccines are effective and far safer than the diseases they protect against. I give you My Word on that. Now, return, with My Peace upon you.” Suddenly, the antivaxer is staring up at the ceiling of an operating room, as his heart starts beating on its own once more. By the time he's able to receive visitors, the man is desperate to talk to his antivax friends, to let them know the vital truth he brought back from the other side. He calls them all and insisted that they be there at his side the very minute he's cleared to see anyone – he has huge, huge, HUGE news for them. Finally, his friends are gathered around him, and he motions for them to gather close. “It turns out,” he starts, “the conspiracy goes a LOT higher up than we thought…”