I hate my wife
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
We all know where the big apple is, but do you know where…
The Minneapolis?
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
There‘s one less drunk.
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
When does a new joke become an “old” joke?
After you’ve reddit.
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
“This is your captain speaking”
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.