I hate my wife
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
What country doesn’t take cash or credit?
The Czech Republic
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Is my local newspaper trying to fight back against us meddling millennial and gen z’s?
https://ift.tt/33US5ur
It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few years ago.
Now I can look back and laugh.
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. 😀
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
Might be the first meme my dad has ever sent me, a tried and true boomerhumor staple
https://ift.tt/2XTcKOB
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.