I hate my wife and marriage sucks. Btw I’m Dammy Burrito
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
The new sex position is called Brexit:
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
What do you call an ostrich in debt?
An ostpoor.
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
A man dies and goes to hell.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?” The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.” The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
It’s easy to get along with meteorites.
They're really down to Earth.
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
How do you tell a joke is a dad joke
It’s apparent
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.