i hate my wife so much
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
Some lettuce is better than others
It shall romaine nameless.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.
Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached. "Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her. The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!" Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!" After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?" The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."
Batman
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
What liquid is considered the fastest in the world?
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
“That’s what.” – She
No text found
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties