I hate myself for making this
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
Me: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
It is humorous because the gop genuinely think trump is beloved to ALL veterans
https://ift.tt/32aFD8i
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
My son beat my neighbor in a marathon race.
He's now in custody for assault.
I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.
The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
Don’t make fun of fat people with lisps…
They're thick and tired of it
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.