I hate pseudoscience
I started a new job. My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”
She said: how do you get dick from kyle? I replied: you just ask nicely. Edit: im now looking for a new job :/
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
I won’t vaccinate my children
I will have the doctor do it.
What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
i lost my mood ring this morning
i don’t really know how to feel about that
Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
Two medieval instruments are having a conversation
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go