I hate Russian dolls.

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It was fake noose

It’s an extremely rare dish order…

Mexico and Canada.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

Happy Father's Day!

Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'… The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'

3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up. The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement. all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measurement so doctor says okay its 6ft so we gonna pay you 6000$ a month The second puts his hand as high as he can, the doctor says okay its 6"2 so we gonna pay you 6200$ a month. The Third says I want it from the tip of my dick to my balls. the doctor confused says: Are you sure sir? 100 % he replies. take off his pants and the doctors starts and then asks, where are your balls sir ? he replies: they are In Vietnam son.

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Everyone knows… You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States …" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin. She notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door to leave. "What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm all done."

I had plenty of time to kill.

– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. ​ (credit goes to my mom)

Kaye and Elle

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

A bodybuilder

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

A Juan on Juan