I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
Schwepped her off her feet
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
I call it my Trail Mix.
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
They were cooked in Greece
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I am getting over it, slowly.
Is sphere itself
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
They were cooked in Greece.
1) 2) 3)
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
But they just didn't get it.
He's an artificial sweetner.
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
…with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up. The Godfather calls one of them over. “Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.” Jimmy swells with pride. “I got a job I need you to do for me” “Anything you need, Godfather. Just tell me what to do.” “I want you to go back to the john, and I want you to whack off.” Jimmy’s silent for a moment. “Um… excuse me, Godfather, I coulda sworn you just told me to—“ The Godfather holds up his hand, silencing him. “Jimmy, it’s for the family.” Jimmy snaps to attention. “Got it, Godfather. For the family.” Whereupon he goes back to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he comes out, throws up his arms in a Victory salute and cries, “Mission accomplished.” Then he goes back over to The Godfather. “So, Godfather, is there anything else I can do for you?” The Godfather says, “You’re a good boy, Jimmy. I like your style.” Then he says, “Do it again.” “WHAAA—!” Jimmy starts to protest. But The Godfather cuts him short with, “Jimmy, it’s for the family.” Jimmy says, albeit dubiously, “Ok, Godfather. Whatever you say.” This time he’s gone for a bit longer. When he comes out, he’s nowhere near as enthusiastic. Still, he goes back to The Godfather and reluctantly asks, “Is there…um… you got anything else, Godfather?” The old man just stares at him, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. Slowly, Jimmy gets the message. “Oh nooo…” The Godfather holds up one finger. “One more time, Jimmy.” This time, he’s in the John a lot longer. When he comes out, a layer of sweat coats his pasty skin. His eyes have a glassy look. He says to The Godfather in desperation, “Godfather, this thing you have asked of me: I’ve given it my all. I swear to you, Godfather, I have given everything I’ve got. There is nothing left to give.” “Take it easy, Jimmy. You done good. I got something else I want you to do.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys and hands them to Jimmy. “Here’s the keys to my car. I want you to drive out to the airport and pick up my daughter.”
I will have the doctor do it.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
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Me: Fine. Have it your way.
Because he couldn’t see that well
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
the white house will become forbiden
A piece of cake.
He slept all through math.
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
But my kids are still here.