I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Well It’s 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready…..
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.
Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
The first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France
They were cooked in Greece
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I am getting over it, slowly.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear….
Is sphere itself
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club…
…with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up. The Godfather calls one of them over. “Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.” Jimmy swells with pride. “I got a job I need you to do for me” “Anything you need, Godfather. Just tell me what to do.” “I want you to go back to the john, and I want you to whack off.” Jimmy’s silent for a moment. “Um… excuse me, Godfather, I coulda sworn you just told me to—“ The Godfather holds up his hand, silencing him. “Jimmy, it’s for the family.” Jimmy snaps to attention. “Got it, Godfather. For the family.” Whereupon he goes back to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he comes out, throws up his arms in a Victory salute and cries, “Mission accomplished.” Then he goes back over to The Godfather. “So, Godfather, is there anything else I can do for you?” The Godfather says, “You’re a good boy, Jimmy. I like your style.” Then he says, “Do it again.” “WHAAA—!” Jimmy starts to protest. But The Godfather cuts him short with, “Jimmy, it’s for the family.” Jimmy says, albeit dubiously, “Ok, Godfather. Whatever you say.” This time he’s gone for a bit longer. When he comes out, he’s nowhere near as enthusiastic. Still, he goes back to The Godfather and reluctantly asks, “Is there…um… you got anything else, Godfather?” The old man just stares at him, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. Slowly, Jimmy gets the message. “Oh nooo…” The Godfather holds up one finger. “One more time, Jimmy.” This time, he’s in the John a lot longer. When he comes out, a layer of sweat coats his pasty skin. His eyes have a glassy look. He says to The Godfather in desperation, “Godfather, this thing you have asked of me: I’ve given it my all. I swear to you, Godfather, I have given everything I’ve got. There is nothing left to give.” “Take it easy, Jimmy. You done good. I got something else I want you to do.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys and hands them to Jimmy. “Here’s the keys to my car. I want you to drive out to the airport and pick up my daughter.”
I won’t vaccinate my children
I will have the doctor do it.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well
19 and 20 got into a fight
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she’s an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
I tried the “If you love something, set it free” thing.
But my kids are still here.
