I hate the “I love democracy” memes so much
A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed…
The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks: “Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?” “I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.” So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets dehydrated after a short while… “Monkey, I’m gonna go to the river and get some water, my mouth is soooo dry… I’ll be back.” Little lizard heads to the river, but he’s so high that he stumbles and falls headfirst into the water. Luckily, the crocodile happens to be there, helps him out and asks what’s the deal. “I’m high as balls, croccy. I smoked weed with the monkey.” “Oh really? I wanna get some too.” So the crocodile goes to the monkey’s tree and greets him. “Hi monkey!” The monkey stares at the crocodile in disbelief: “Woooo… damnit lizard, how much water did you drink?”
I met Mick and Keith backstage. I was rude but efficient.
I flipped two stones with one bird.
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
https://ift.tt/2TluzDs
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
What starts with a “W” and ends with “hat”…
No text found
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
A Joke from my little cousin
/r/Jokes/comments/fjx93d/a_joke_from_my_little_cousin/
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
Who else is traumatized from getting bad haircuts?
Who else is traumatized from getting bad haircuts?
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
I raised my left leg before the new year started…
…so I could start it off on the right foot. 🤮 Happy new year!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired