I hate this template
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Looks like October is…. Octover
No text found
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
I used to be a Christian
Woman: I used to be Christian. Man: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things. Woman: Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
Children in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean?
He was really in a pickle.
A couple goes to a sex therapist..
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
My girlfriend repeatedly kept calling me a flamingo!!
So I had to put my foot down
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
What’s your favorite thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school
I lost My Chemical Romance
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
