I hate those
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Should I YOLO and put all of my 401k into this hot new stonk?
Should I YOLO and put all of my 401k into this hot new stonk?
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
I know the whole truth.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history
It’s full of s&m porn. Mom says: well what are we going to do? Dad says: what do you mean? Mom says: well.. we can’t spank him.
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?
When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I have the best doctor
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend