I hate when people ask me where I’ll be in two years, come on guys I don’t have 2020 vision.
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Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
Three men in a boat with three cigarettes but no matches, how do they smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.
Kid: mmmph.. mmrr…
My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
Freudian Slip:
When you say one thing, but mean your mother
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
