I hate you Tumblr
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie Cars is called “Radiator Springs.”
It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn’t really exist…
…we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
I handed my 4 year old a bottle of cold water and said, “Hold this.”
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
What is Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww!
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.
I told my teenage daughter to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh dad you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
Why are people in New York always so sad?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey