I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
Whats the best pickup line?
A fishing pole
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
Two young lads break into a distillery…
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
![[OC] Guess the Pun #54](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-112-400x247.png)
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
This dude had beautiful long hair 5 years ago. Very funny comment but also Oof.
https://ift.tt/2ywG2Za
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
Gadzooks! r/ProgrammerHumor is looking for moderators (mod application thread)
https://ift.tt/2WLc4Zg
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
What do you call a female rapper?
38.5 Cent
I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before
It was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
