I have a Chinese friend that likes to hide from people….
Lei Lo.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer 😂
https://ift.tt/2p1zoFy
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.
“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response. “A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?” “My wife,” the drunk man answers.
My wife said to me “you didn’t hear a word I said did you?”
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
My wife made me a millionaire
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
termites on a date
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past…
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I heard my son’s first words today
"Dad where have you been?"
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
