I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,
“My roof has disappeared”
My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
I’m going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.