I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?" "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a Talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not Relaxing?" "Far from it, "snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today." "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a Bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee." "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs My ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this Hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his talons !" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile? "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
But I'm clean now
But I turned myself around
The fifth was dead Sirius.
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
I’ll try harder in 2018.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
A rip off.
I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
It's Holy Shit.
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
I called it the second hand second hand store
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Because they are hill areas!
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
I can always count on them.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
It only made it more sluggish.
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
I always say, “I can stop whenever I want.”
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”