I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.

… well then take a shower.

The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"

By dividing.

If you pull the ring, your house is gone.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

But she figured out I was only after my money.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

… haven't gotten a gig yet though.

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

To get to the other sidekick.

The results came completely out of the purple…

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol

Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"

But did he listen?

She has selfie steam issues.

Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. ​ Edit: spelling

Those that finish their sentences and those