I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
?
I hardly know her!
My iPhone made an album of when I took my kitten to the hospital and she died last year.
https://ift.tt/2xxrAzi
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
A screenshot of a SCREENSHOT of a boomer meme that arrived in my inbox this morning
https://ift.tt/399tpzc
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him it’s easy as pi
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
What’s the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?
One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road…
rolls around in the dirt and cross back? A dirty double crosser.
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,
Now he’s just a handyman.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is