I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that. Edit : I got a gold for a joke that I repost every month. Thanks person, hope you had a chuckle.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
Great!
https://ift.tt/2lZyVSN
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
I’m very generous when it comes to giving to charity.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
It’s April 1st…
Happy April Flu’s Day!
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
Son: Hey dad why won’t this screw go in
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
I must have an amazing butt
Whenever I'm done talking to people and walk away they say "What an ass"
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.