I have a polish friend who is a sound engineer. and a Czech one too, Czech one too, Czech one too
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Life lesson
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes aparent.
Yo, wanna hear a joke about someone who never goes outdoors?
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
A Roman walks into a bar…
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
Job Interview: “What is your greatest weakness”
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
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