I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!” His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.” “Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.” “Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.” “But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out “I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome God: creates birds
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
The French fencer
There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his ego grew, so did his desire to put on a show. He staged fencing events in different environments; from sword fights in the Himalayas to duels in shark tanks, he won match after match. One day, he decided to host a fencing match in a submarine, which would be broadcasted to millions of viewers. When the day arrived, he was confident in his ability, but his opponent was relentless. Rather than being a pushover like the previous contenders, the match consisted of back-and-forth thrusts and lunges, with both participants straining to concentrate under the din of clashing metal. Eventually, both participants reached a tie of 14 points, meaning whoever received the next point would be the winner. The French fencer went for a feint, but his opponent was not fooled. It was quickly parried and his opponent sent a blinding return thrust into his sensor, earning the last point. The French fencer was devastated. After so many years of training and so many years of being undefeated, his reign was over. He turned to confide in the captain of the ship. What could’ve been the reason? Was it the pressure from so many viewers? Or was the water pressure from being deep-sea throwing off his game? The captain looked at him and replied, “don’t stress about it son. Ripostes are pretty common in this sub.”
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
This will probably get deleted because it’s not a clean joke, but I wanted to say thanks.
Two weeks ago a dear friend went into the hospital on bed rest with preeclampsia in hopes of keeping her baby in utero a little longer. To keep her cheered, I visited r/cleanjokes every day and sent her jokes throughout the day. She had her little preemie today … only 3 pounds but healthy. My friend told me she really looked forward to the jokes … and I found all of them here. So thank you to all of you who helped keep her cheered while she gave her precious baby more time.
I said to my wife “When I die,” I’d like to die having sex”
She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"
When you see your Gurt
Yo, Gurt!
It’s easy to get along with meteorites.
They're really down to Earth.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
It’s so sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as …
A pack of feral hogs
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory…
I made several discoveries