I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if any of this sub’s top ten jokes met this standard
But no pun in ten did.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
Just spent 8 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a waist of time.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
hope this hasnt been posted already, but here goes
what did the buffalo say to his son when he left? bi-son
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
Hermione’s son: Mum, you’re a witch!
Hermione: Emma Watson?
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, βDonβt cry over skilled MILF.β
Oh Grandpa
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, βWhat is sexβ¦?β He was surprised sheβd ask such a question at her age, but thought if sheβs old enough to ask, sheβs old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldnβt shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, βGrandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.β
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, “Does anyone know CPR??”
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
Why are ants immune to COVID-19?
They have anty-bodies
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person…
…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
Whatβs the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ΚsnΙΉΙ-α΄Κuβ ΗΙ₯β΄ :β
Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonightβs party be amazing?
8 ball: iβm a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows