I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
The police say they don't know what to make of it.
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
It dampens theirs spirits.
At least he told us to be positive.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
…then it dawned on me.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
The eyes, because they dilate.
I guess shift happens.
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
No text found
Because 6, 7 8…
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
It got mugged.
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
"Alpaca lunch for you”
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”
It is not stroganoff.
Dad: No whey
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.