I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
Because they have big fingers!
The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty. In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where. John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them. John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names. Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed. They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair. The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
No text found
A light snack
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
He orders a drink
A Rain Bow tie.
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch. The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey. He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further. “What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture. “Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly. The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture. “Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement. The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air. “So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head. Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?” Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Because they have no body to go with.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
They're both pro-grammars
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!" "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
They were out standing in their field
I called it the second hand second hand store
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know” One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?” God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone” The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
1. 2. 3.
Me:Well that makes two of us