“I have bestest brains!”
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
Two books meet in a Library. One says ‘ You don’t look too well ‘ and the other replies..
… Just had my Appendix removed.
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
Why won’t the Republicans impeach Trump?
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term
Why do gay people laugh at everything?
Because they cant keep a straight face
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Donald Trump was due to get circumcised
But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”
The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was. The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
(: ¡¡ʇɥƃᴉN pooפ
Love, Australia.
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? I’m stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: “Overworked postmen.” Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.
When thrown at a close-range, especially.
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
Why did the banana put on make-up?
To look more ap-peel-ing!
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.
Because I suck at tennis.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..