I have cancer, i need a cure

​ "What if we had sex?" asks Steve. ​ "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" ​ "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" ​ Steve stands up and asks loudly: ​ "Could I have a pencil, please?" ​ Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. ​ "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. ​ So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. ​ Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. ​ "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" ​ "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”

Whether they like it or not

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

Disclaimer: This joke involves gender-based humour and don't actually reflect the my viewpoint about either gender. ​ So there was this billionare, very sucessful enterpreneur, that decided to invest a large chunk of his funds in a new business: The Husband Shop The Husband Shop is a 6-floor building, each containing an assortment of husbands bearing more or less the same characteristics, however the next floor has a costier but better selection. So, this Lady goes to visit the shop and she sees this at the first floor: "At The Husband Shop we strive to present to you the very best in man. This Floor has 100% loyal men". Quite pleased with what she sees, she goes to the next one and it says: "This Floor 100% loyal men and they are very handsome!". She investigates further, and on the third floor she sees: "This floor has 100% loyal men, and they are handsome and romantic!" On the fourth floor she finds: "This floor has 100% loyal men, which are also very handsome, romantic and great with kids!" The fifth floor had the following: "This floor has 100% loyal men, all of them are very handsome, romantic, great with kids and they'll rock your world in the bed every time!" She was absolutely amazed by what they had put together, and she knew they had the best for last, so she found this: ​ "Congratulations! You are the 4,986,221th visitor this year! Sorry, there are no husbands in this floor. We regret to inform we abandoned "The Husband Shop" development as we realized women were nearly impossible to please". ————————————————— BONUS JOKE ​ In order to appeal to both genders (and alleviate the uproar of sexism accusations), the billionare made "The Wife Shop", and they put a lot more effort this time around. Since the other business became so famous because of the unusual service, a reporter did some digging, and he came back with this: "Upon arriving 'The Wife Shop', or TWS, the costumer is immediatly greeted by an employee that will explain the concept of the business and will acompany Him or Her through the floors, in the same method they used on The Husband Shop. The First Floor says: Welcome to The Wife Shop! We keep our promise to strive for excellency, but this time it's all about finding you your perfect wife! This floor has the most gourgeous women you'll ever find. The second floor says: "This floor has absolutely gorgeous women and they are all incredible in the bedroom. The 4 remaining floors are yet to be visited".

I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

Because they have big fingers!

The stock market!

Can't wait till this cruise is over.

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

He PASTAway

Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…

A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?" "Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?" "I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year y’all!

Don’t look while I’m changing!

It’s parents were in a jam.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. "Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many." The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting. "Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.". "I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen." "Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home. That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.". "Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

Traffic jam!

Most crows drank at home

One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"