I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
A farmer friend of mine
used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
Itβs currently half empty…
Iβm really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..
I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
Why did Donald Trump take Xanax
For Hispanic attacks
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises…
Other than jumping to conclusions.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married…
The ceremony wasnβt much but the reception was incredible!
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
Iβm now the CIEIO.
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
As a doctor, Iβve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I canβt stand living with him. Heβs too literal. Me: My truck.
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
I don’t trust elevators anymore.
They are always either up to something or letting you down.
Some day, Canada will take over the world.
And then we'll all be sorry.
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.