I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
Running a new application
Need a python expert
How can this be!
My friend refused to believe he was gay and a dyslexic.
He was in Daniel.
Do tree Poop?
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
Recursive code made wrong
(Nitrogen, iodine, cerium) (cobalt, carbon, potassium) (bromine, oxygen)
^ this is the truth.
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
“Doc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works. “But I keep losing my Focus!”
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
Kids are dumb! Haha.
Found at my dad’s work. I think it fits here”
Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”
Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)” Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”
The Secret Life of Tech
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
Halloween Roller Coaster
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
It really do be like that
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Weird Al Oof
He’s Just Like Jesus
Ready for the AP test
Life of a Programmer… :(
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
It’s getting hard to tell Satire from reality.
now lets go just give me the signal
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
git commit -m”old API key deprecated…try to hack me now hahaha ;)”
It’s all good now :)
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
can someone explain it
Programmers are immutable
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
technically the truth
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
“Don’t touch my garbage!”
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
Google Images knowing what’s good
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
An interesting title
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
Every time I’m scrolling these days…
Sounds about right
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?
When you look up modern military strategy
Insert random title.
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..
I would have $6.38.
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.
I wasn't disappointed https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C
Love Fridays, hate Mondays
I thought using rubbers was good for the world…
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
What’s the least spoken language?
Gosh darn batteries!
Here you go dad