I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
A dude walks into a restaurant and says,
"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?" The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?" "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant." "Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?" "What?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano." "Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano. "Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's good, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist. The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school." The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies. The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?" "Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
What does an annoying pepper do?
It get’s jalapeño face…
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ”I’m fucked…”, but a voice in the back of his head says: ”Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!”
''What?! Why?'' – thinks the cowboy. ''Just kill the chief!'' – says the voice. The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief. As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked…''
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
Wanted: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"