I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
I just always forget the order!”
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem." The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?" "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering" "Then get an air conditioner" "I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor" "Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?" "Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank" "Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help." So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her. Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh… oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!" Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
With a sea-saw.
What a strange way to start a conversation
But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
Son: No, we can all still see you.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems." Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?" The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended." The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence." The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives. The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
I didnt want to be caught money laundering
a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke The bartender plops an apple in front of him. "But I wanted a drink" The bartender says "Just try it." The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!" "Turn it around," says the bartender. The guy bites into the other side of the apple and says "Wow, this tastes just like Coke. Amazing!" Another guy sits down, orders a Gin & Tonic. The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. "I want a drink, not food" The first guy says "Trust me, just taste it." He bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Gin" "Turn it around," says the bartender. He bites into the other side, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Tonic. Amazing!" A third guy sits down. "What can I get for you?" the bartender asks. "Hmm, let me think" The first guy says "Whatever you want, he has an apple that tastes just like it." The guy says "Oh yeah, do you have one that tastes like pussy?" The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. He takes a bite, and spits it out, screaming "This tastes like SHIT" "Turn it around" says the bartender.
Cause he has little legs!
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars. How about $20? $20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am? We’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.