I have lost all hope in r/memes
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
‘NSFW’ A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.
So a worker asks the owner: -What should we do? -Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks. So the worker goes to Jimmy: -Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks? -With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you cut it from my salary?
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
I named my dog insane.
So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
Power outages delight me.
No text found
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
No text found
What’s the difference between children and lesbians?
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
I guess I can’t really be mad about seeing the same jokes made on this sub
With a whole profession built around copy and pasting stack overflow it only makes sense you guys would copy and paste the same jokes over and over again
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis
My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin…
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
