I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I got banned from the secret cooking society…
For spilling the beans.
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
Jokes about the weather can be funny…
To a certain degree.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
The lockdown is getting to me…
Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
What’s a group of Chubby newborns called?
Heavy Infantry
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
![Private healthcare ad [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/FKWBfuk-400x400.jpg)
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
Major Tech Companies as People
AppleApple: That’s a smoothly operating older model you got there. Be a shame if someone… updated it…You: I already know what you’re going to do and I’m not falling for it.Your Attorney: I have to advise that you do what he says…GoogleGoogle: Looks around nervously You’re not gunna tell anyone right?Apple: Unzips pants No, no. No one’ll even notice.Google: slurping soundsYou: Really, in the middle of the street during rush hour?MicrosoftYou: Oh god, No! It can’t have already been a month!Microsoft: kicks your door down, punches you in the dick, and pisses on your keyboard. How’s the mrs?You: groaning Great.Microsoft: Spits directly into your mouth.You: Thank you.Microsoft: Sure thing… See you next build version. flips your tv over on the way out.SamsungSamsung: Here are some features you never even knew you wantedYour friend: Amazing!Phone: Slits your friend’s throat and laps up the blood.Samsung: Wow! Curveball! Go ahead and try yours. I mean, what are the odds that that’ll happen twice?You:…Samsung:…You: Presses power button Do we get vertical app switching back this year?
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
