I have no tears left to cry
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
For example Ben is in a hurry vs Ben is in a comma
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
What do you call a constipated detective?
no-shit Sherlock
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
Two scientists walk into a bar…
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!" The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms." The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
Vegetarians are like parallel lines…
They never meat.
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Why can’t china play cricket?
they keep eating their bats…
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
Cashier: Scans Condoms
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.